God Be With You Til We Meet Again

Well this is it everyone. I get set apart in a few hours. The next update you all will receive will be coming from the MTC in Guatemala. I get set apart in a few hours and after that I am officially a missionary. It still doesn't quiet feel real. I don't think it has really hit me that I'm leaving tomorrow night. When I got my call back on December 5, 2012 I couldn't believe that I had to wait until April 3rd to leave. Especially because I had put my availability date in the middle of February.

But the Lord works in mysterious ways my dear readers. I have learned so much by coming home and spending the last four months here with my family. Not only that but I have had an excess amount of time to study and I like to think I have used it to the best of my ability. Two weeks ago I finished reading Preach My Gospel from cover to cover and I have formed a basic foundation of Spanish grammar and vocabulary through the program called Duolingo.com. My advice to all that are preparing to serve missions is to use the time they've been given before they go into the MTC. I was lucky enough to not have to go back to school. I used a lot of that time to do family history work. While I spend the next 18 months focusing on the salvation of the living. I spent the last month or so, focusing on the salvation of the dead. In addition to the 60 or so people I performed ordinances for during the Fall Semester (with the help of my dear friend Elder Favero now serving in Spain) I have found more than 120 more people to do work for. I know that my efforts will be blessed and I am excited to do all their work when I come home from Panama.

Beyond all the time I have had to study and do family history work I did my best to get in shape and make a little money. I babysat the cutest four little kids about three days a week. The youngest, Ethan, is about 11 months now and when I first met him he cried every time he looked at me for the sole reason that he did not like unfamiliar faces. When I left though, even when he was cranky I could get him to smile. I said goodbye to them a few nights ago and the three girls (ages 3, 6, and 9) hugged me a million times. I am so grateful for the change I ha to babysit them. I learned a lot from them that I know will help me both on my mission and in the future as a wife and mother.

Finally, my calling at church. I taught the 9-11 primary aged girls. I loved teaching them every week. I feel like my ability to teach concepts of the Gospel has been improved and magnified after spending time sharing with them the Gospel that is so dear to my heart. They wrote all over the chalkboard yesterday, messages of love and good luck. It was one of the sweetest things I have ever seen and while I did not have a camera to capture it in a photo, it will be carried in my heart for a long time to come.

Yet I feel the greatest lesson I have learned, the one that I will always be remind of on my mission is how much God loves all of His children. I can't tell you how many times I felt inadequate as I thought of the faith God had in me to call me to serve His children in Panama. It is a mantle of great responsibility that will be laid upon me today, the same mantle that was given to Christ's disciples when He ordained them to be apostles. I am to stand for Him, even in the face of persecution and disapproval. I am to walk with Him, even when all the world turns their backs and slams their doors. I am to speak for Him, even when the words fall on ears that do not want to hear. Most of all I am to live like Him. In a world where morality is a fickle thing and personal choice and freedom is used for the gratification of the moment and the now.

I am a missionary. I am set apart from the world. Made holy and sanctified through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the work that He has called me to do. I stand with the least of His children that I might lift them up to Heaven and their Father. My call is not simply to baptize. It is to warn, to teach, to uplift and to testify of my Savior and my King. I leave armed with the truths of the Gospel and protected by the endowment of His Holy Spirit. I go forward with faith, nothing wavering, knowing that no matter what successes or failures I face, God will be with me. I go ready to return with honor. I go to change lives and hope that the life I change the most is my own.

I have such a testimony of this Gospel. I love my Savior so much. I am ready to stand with Him no matter where that is. I am ready to proclaim in the midst of mobs and and armies, assembled against the work that Jesus is the Christ, the living Son of the living God. That His work is once again upon the earth. Restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. That through Him came the Book of Mormon, the living word of God. That if we read it we will come closer to Christ and have more peace and happiness in this life than we have yet known. I am will raise my voice for  God's prophet, President Thomas S. Monson that lives upon the earth today and the revelation from God that He receives. I raise my voice that all may know God's truths, the Gospel truths, of eternal families, of temples, and of Him. I am ready and now I bid you all farewell. May God bless you till you read again and more than that may our Lord be with you... until we meet again.
 

"Therefore, fear not little flock; do good, let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock; they cannot prevail" (Doctrine and Covenants 6:34)

The Healing Has Begun

I know this post is different from most of my blog posts. I just wanted to briefly express my gratitude to my Lord and my God for what He has done for me. Not only has He brought me to the point that I can completely move on from all that has happened in the past year but He has also opened up the windows of heaven and poured out blessings upon my head. Though yesterday morning was incredibly hard and emotionally draining last night I received a package from my grandparents with cookies (hot chocolate, chocolate chip, my favorite!) Also there was a journal that is absolutely beautiful and I hope it will help be better about keeping one than I currently am. As i f that didn't cheer me up enough I also received my itinerary and name tags which I will wear on my mission. It made it all feel very real and now all I can think about is leaving next week and heading to the MTC. I am so excited and so grateful for all that God has done for me to help me completely focus on this next adventure in my life. Before I felt like there was part of me that was looking forward to the “what ifs” of the future. I am moving forward completely unattached and I am so grateful for all that God has done to finally get to that point.

Also attached is a video with a song that truly describes how I feel now. The wounds that were inflicted upon my soul and upon my heart were deep and painful. I spent days and nights crying in agony unto my Father for my relief. At times I felt like God had abandoned me because I had made too many mistakes. At other times I felt like I weighed down with this horrible guilt for all that I had done. I was ashamed of the person I had been, of how I had allowed one person to control my life and my actions so completely. Now, the wounds are finally healing and while I will always have my memories of what happened they pain me no longer. I know that my mission will be the finally healing that I need and ache for the changes that I know will occur as I faithfully serve my Savior and my King.

There is a lesson to be learned from this my dear readers and it is this. God will never abandon you. Neither will He give you more than you can handle. I can personally testify of this. I know what’s it like to hurt so much that you feel like you can’t even pray. I know what its like to wonder if you will ever feel happy again. But I can also tell you that if you rely on God and never turn your back on Him that He will hold you up. My favorite scripture, my mission scripture are perhaps some of the most comforting words ever spoken by the Lord.

“Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not afraid for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea I will help thee; yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness”

(Isaiah 41:10)

God loves you so much my dear  reader, as He loves all of His children. All the trials that you are going through will ultimately be for you good. May you feel Him with you always and may He bless you, until you read again. 

And God Said "Walk With Me"

I think this has to be my favorite invitation given in the scriptures. To walk with the Creator of worlds without number. It doesn't say "walk behind me" to suggest that God sees us as inferior beings not worthy to be in His presence. Rather, the invitation is to "walk with me" or, I interpret it as "walk beside me". I have been incredibly interested in this passage of scripture and have spent the last two weeks or so fleshing it out in my personal study. Though no where near complete or satisfied on the topic I do have a few thoughts that are deeply person and provide a large foundation of my testimony.

First, is my interpretation of what this passage actually means. To me it rings of the attribute of obedience. More times than I can count, walking in the ways of the Lord are directly linked to keeping all His commandments and His laws. Yet obedience is more than just keeping the commandments and standing worthy of a temple recommend. That is the first level of obedience. The preparatory level if you will. The second level is complete obedience and submission to God's will. It is not only submitting your will to God but it is wanting what He wants for you that is, aligning your will with His. It is not praying for what you want and hoping God allows it, rather it is praying to know what God wants for you.

I have had far too many experiences with this but one of late has been very difficult. Recently I had to let someone go. Someone I loved very much. Not because I didn't care about them or because I didn't want them in my life but because I knew they were holding me back. That, while God was paces away beckoning me to walk with Him, I was attempting to keep up with a large stone shackled to my foot. What was worse is that the more frantically God called to me the more I tightened the chain because I wanted to have both. I wanted to completely dedicate my heart and soul to Him and still hang on to this person. Yet I have come to a realization, as hard as it is, that I cannot have both. I have learned that if I am to walk the road of discipleship this person cannot come with me.

Some may say that I am interpreting God's will incorrectly  but honestly, as I have traveled down this path, freeing myself of this burdensome stone and ran towards my Father and my Savior I have felt freedom and joy that I can't quiet explain. More than that I feel peace. Peace that I am becoming more like Him. That is my ultimate goal. I go forward with certainty that I will be able to give God every thing, including my heart, while I am gone. Some day there will be someone. A worthy, righteous priesthood holder that walks with God also and we will walk together, towards the Celestial Kingdom and our Lord.

I know this is a very personal post. If you're are still reading it kudos to you. With eight days left until I get set apart as a missionary I know that I have a lot to do for my physical, emotional and spiritual preparation. Yet I am so excited to get out and go to work. So ready to be healed by the constant presence of the Holy Spirit. To be lost in the wonderful guidance and influence of my Savior as I give my all to serving His children in Panama. It will be hard I know that. But I also know that with God all things are possible and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philip 4:13). Stay strong my dear readers and remember that when God calls and invites you to walk with Him, give up whatever you have to, to do it. More than that, never look back at the things He asks you to leave because it is for your own good that you are abandoning them. Ultimately it will bring you more happiness than you have ever known. Of this I can personally testify. May he be with you, now and always, until you read again.

(The video that you see is of a song that has helped me through this long process. It has reminded me that even in the very depths of despair my God and my King are right there beside me. More than that it has helped me come to see that He has always had a firm hold on my heart until He gives me a way to a faithful priesthood holder that will love me, protect me, and fight for me for all eternity. He knows the deepest desire of my heart and I know that if I am faithful I receive them in His own time and in His own way. He has never abandon me before and He will not abandon me now)

Planning For Ana

So for the past three weeks Catie (a girl is reporting to the Guatemala MTC 2 weeks before me and also serving in Panama) and I have been having mock planning sessions for fake investigators. These investigators are individuals we have come up with that need the Gospel and are prepared, in some ways, to receive it into their lives. I was originally going to post about what it was like to plan for one of our investigators named Ramone, that is, until I helped plan for an investigator named Ana.

During the part of our planning sessions that we set aside for Ana I felt the spirit stronger than I have in a very long time. So much so that I started shaking from the sheer power of the Holy Ghost working on me. As we planned for this investigator that didn’t exist and that we would never teach I found myself aching to share this lessons with the woman. Rather then just sum it up for you let me get a little in depth. That way you’ll get an idea of what our planning sessions are like and how it is preparing us to be better missionaries once we get out in the field.

First, we come up with an investigator. Catie came up with Ana. Some key things about the single mother in her late twenties is that she has four boys ages 3, 4, 7 and 10. The oldest three from one father and the youngest from another father. Their dads are not in the picture. Ana works all day to support her young family. Culturally she is Catholic  but her worship does not extend beyond worshiping a picture of the Virgin Mary that hangs on her wall above a candle. Ever night she lights the candle and pray to the Mary for relief from her troubles.

So to begin our planning sessions we always start out with an opening prayer. This time I asked Catie to say it in Spanish because I want to see what words I could pick out. Unfortunately my  phone is horrible at picking up noise when it’s on speaker phone so I only caught a few phrases. We started with  Ramone and with about twenty minutes left in the session we started planning for Ana. We both felt like we should teach her about Jesus Christ and expressed this feeling to one another.  Catie suggested the sub point of faith in Jesus Christ as a main focus and God is our loving Heavenly Father. Almost at the same time we amended it to, Christ’s earthly ministry and atonement found in Lesson 1.

 

Now that we had the basis from which we would draw our lesson we talked about commitments we would extend. We both felt that Ana would be open to a commitment to be baptized. Plus we had talked earlier about the importance of bringing up baptism from the beginning so that its not a surprise for you investigators. We also talked about extending the commitment for Ana to come to church with us that Sunday.

We then  got into the meat of what we would teach from. We discussed the importance of first helping her come to know Jesus Christ. We felt this wouldn’t be a hard transition for her because she had a Catholic background and already faithfully worshipped the Virgin Mary. I felt prompted to use the story of the woman at the well found in John 3. I admitted to Catie that it was kind of weird connection. I felt like we should draw a connection between Ana and the Samaritan woman. In many way Ana, is like the woman at the well. Seeking for the living water that Christ has to offer. We planned to emphasize to her that Christ could give her the living water of faith. Christ could also give her peace in every aspect of her life. The way she feels when she prays at night to her painting could be experienced all the time if she would just return to Him. Catie like it and we discussed that concept a little further. I think at this point we both felt the Spirit very intensely, bearing witness to us  that what we were planning was true and would be very powerful.

We then moved into how to teach  Ana about the atonement. Catie talked about reading Mosiah 11 in which Abinadi is quoting Isaiah regarding the coming of Christ. We decided to use verse 3-5 to help Ana understand that Christ knows her sufferings and understands her in her trials. We connected to Christ’s experience in the Garden of Gethsemane found in Luke 22:42-43. We talked about how she could relate to feeling as Christ did, asking the Father to let the bitter cup pass from Him. We also discussed the next verse of how an angel was sent to strengthen Him in His suffering. We decided we would talk with Ana about how when she prays to God in the name of Christ, her Heavenly Father can send angels to her aid to strengthen and uplift her.  We thought that would be a good lead into committing her to be baptized and to come to Church with us that Sunday. We decided we would close with asking her to give the closing prayer.

We did not plan homework for Ana. I think it is best that Ana just be challenged to ponder on the things we have taught her but Catie and I will talk about tomorrow and that may be changed. To be continued…

At point in the planning session we felt like that was enough. What we had planned for Ana was powerful and we both knew it. We both knew that the Spirit was there and that we had been guided in planning for these fake investigators. When we were evaluating how it had gone (after a closing prayer given by me in Hebrew) I for one could barely speak because I was shaking so bad (that’s what happens to me when I feel the Spirit strongly, I shake, kind of like I’m shivering because I’m cold. We talked about how we would like to be each other’s companions and what went well with the session. Catie will send me Ana's reactions before our next planning sessions.  I look forward to many great sessions and cannot wait to get out in the field and actually teach God’s children in Panama. I am so grateful for this opportunity to serve and how He is preparing me to do so. May He bless you my dear readers, until you read again. 

What Are You Doing To Prepare?

For some reason I have been asked this question a lot lately. I received my mission call back on December 5^th ( I remember it well) and don’t leave until April 3^rd. I must admit that when I first received my call I was frustrating about where the date fell that I was leaving. I had told my stake president that if I was called to serve in April I would like to leave at the end of the month so I could go another semester at BYU. However, my stake president told me something that I have thought about a lot since getting my call. He talked to me about how there are two facets of being prepared to serve a mission. The first is being worthy and the second is being willing. Within the idea of being willing is not only being willing to go wherever but also being willing to go whenever the Lord needs you to go. It reminded me that I needed to use the time the Lord had given me to prepare to do just that, prepare.

So that’s what I am focusing my post on today. What am I doing to prepare to be a better missionary when I leave two months from now? I have actually come to be very grateful for the time that I have been blessed with to get ready. There are three things that are missionary related (so aside from spending time with family and babysitting to pay off student loans) that I want to address in this particular post. If you are also getting ready to serve and have other suggestions that I am not doing that you are I would love to hear it! Now on to what I’m doing.

First, I am reading Preach my Gospel every day. Right when Christmas Break started I established a schedule for reading to make sure I would finish the whole thing before I leave on my mission. I have been studying a little bit of every day and trying to do a chapter a week. I am just finishing chapter 13 this week and will start studying the discussions. Along with reading the chapters I do the scripture studies and write down talks to read from the quotes in the chapters. I love that I have so much time to really study the manual that I will be using my entire mission. I am trying to become really familiar with the chapters so that when I start studying them in Spanish I won’t be completely lost. I think my favorite chapter to read right now is the one on finding people. I am just so excited to get out and do it. To find my Father in Heaven’s lost sheep; to feed His wandering lambs. It is why I am serving a mission and I am excited to go out and finally do it every hour of every day.

Second, I am studying the scriptures as much as I can. I just finished the Book of Mormon two weeks ago and even though it feels kind of strange I am following the prompting to reread the New Testament. I took the first half of New Testament at BYU last semester and it made me realize (kudos to my professor) that I do not know the New Testament like I should. I do love it though. I can’t wait to come home after my mission I really start my classes focused on that, especially my Greek classes. I have tons of stuff to look forward to and I know that God will be with me every step of the way. It is weird not studying the Book of Mormon as part of my personal scripture study in the morning and the evening. I justify by reasoning that when I study Preach My Gospel I always study the Book of Mormon and ponder scriptures from it. I know its important to understand and be familiar with both. After all the Book of Mormon is a major key in the converting process but most people that I will teach in Panama (who have a Roman Catholic background) will be drawing all their knowledge from the New and Old Testament.

Third, go on splits with the missionaries if you can. I know that its hard for some people. I am currently in a position that I cannot go on splits with sisters because there are no sisters to go on splits with. If you are in the same position as I am might I suggest something else. I talk on Skype every week with another sister that is going o Panama two weeks before me. We have decided that we are going to go through chapter 3 of Preach My Gospel together like we would if we were a companionship. We are even coming up with imaginary investigators so we have someone to tailor lessons to. I think it’s really important that we get used to teaching people, not teaching concepts. I also think it is a really good thing that we are becoming familiar with not only doing things our way and we have the chance to listen to how we would each approach a certain teaching situation.

Those are a few of the many things that I am doing to prepare and I hope this gave you guys some ideas and I you have any suggestions please let me know. I am so grateful for this opportunity to serve a mission and to serve God’s children in Panama. I am so grateful for the time God is giving me to do this; to draw closer to Him and to learn from His Son what it means to be a good missionary. May God bless you all now and until you read again. 

Remember Families Are Forever

It is a sad day when someone, especially a child, is taken before we think they should be. It is even harder when it is without warning and it seems that we are helpless to do anything but stand back and watch. Today, at around 3am, my friend's 16 year old brother was called to do work for our Lord and Savior on the other side of the veil. He had been fighting a staff infection, then he got the flu and because of the strain on his body the veins (particularly in the lining of his stomach) became weakened and bacteria escaped from his stomach into his bloodstream. His body was then attacked from all sides. He went into cardiac arrest twice, suffered kidney and liver failure and had to put on heart and lung bypasses just to keep him alive. At around 3am this morning, Heavenly Father decided that it was enough and called him home.

It is hard for everyone. It especially hard for the family, but it is difficult for those who know the family because everyone feels like all they can do is offer words. Empty phrases that will never fill the void; they will never bring Parker back. Many people would get angry and ask why? If He loved His children so much why would He cause them to grieve like this? So many people lose faith in the Gospel because of tragedies like this. They claim that if there really was a loving Father in Heaven he wouldn’t allows these kinds of things to happen. Yet I invite you, my dear readers, to consider some thing.

We experience this grief and this pain and this loss because we love, deeply and completely. God has blessed us with that emotion; to love, to give ourselves wholly to someone; to open ourselves up to them and allow them into our heart. To let them toy with our emotions for good or ill. God has given that ability to it because through that emotion stems the family. The love between spouses, the love between parents and their children, the love between siblings , friends and Church families. We grieve because we love. If we did not love we would not grieve and that my friends would be a wasted existence in my opinion. Those who claim that God does not love us because He took someone from us suffers from bitterness because they cared.

It is important to remember that we came from the presence of God and inevitably we will all return there. For some it will be too soon. For others it will be after a long life full of joys and sorrows, happiness and grief.  Forefront in my mind at the moment is found in 2 Nephi when Lehi, who is on his death bed is speaking to his son Jacob. He tells him “For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things. If not so… righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness, nor misery neither good nor bad…” He goes on to say that if all opposition should cease then eventually God would cease to be God. But because He loves us so much He gives us the ability to choose and to love and to grieve. It is part of the mortal experience. It is  part of becoming like God.

Finally, remember that families are forever. It is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful doctrines of the LDS faith. That through proper covenants and ordinances established and performed under the right authority we have the opportunity to be with the ones we love most in this life forever. It is one of the many reasons I am serving a mission. I cannot wait to go teach the people of Panama that they can be with their loved ones forever. That especially in times of death and loss they can find peace, as the Allred family has, knowing that they will see and be with their loved ones again. It is beautiful and it is sweet. It is the good news of the Gospel and I love it with all my heart. May God bless you my dear readers, until you  read again. 

Lord You Have My Heart

One of my favorite songs right now; It really voices my feelings.  Especially because I am going into my mission hoping to develop an even deeper relationship with my Savior than the one I have already tried to so hard to cultivate. My favorite lines from the song go like this “Lord you have my heart and I will search for yours. Jesus take my life and lead me on.” I have been through a lot in my life but especially the past year and I have tackled the healing process a day at a time. However, no matter how hard things got I swore to myself that I would never turn my back on God. No matter how badly I hurt or how angry I was at what was happening I was not going to be mad at God. My Savior has become my dearest friend. I read a book recently called “I loved Jesus in the Night”. It’s a biography about Mother Teresa and she talked about how she lived like Jesus was her spouse, living only to please Him and make Him comfortable inside her heart. Her and I are kindred spirits in that goal. A lot of what she said is how I feel exactly 

What I have learned most from the hard year though is that God loves me. He loves me because no matter where He asked me to go, no matter how deep the despair or how dark the night, He was with me. Even when I tried to hide my pain from my roommates or my family I could not hide it from Him and I found it oddly comforting. When I got angry I did not direct towards the individual who was the source of my pain, instead I turned it towards my Heavenly Father, and He in turn helped me to know His Son better. He brought to my knees and then to the scriptures. Teaching me of  a man of sorrows that was acquainted with grief. In the night I came to know and love the Redeemer of the world. I came to truly understand that I am His as long as I am willing to make a place In my heart for Him to stay.

With a call to serve a mission I have a chance to demonstrate my thanks for His companionship and His unending understanding and mercy. I have offered prayers of gratitude on numerous occasions but I never felt I could adequately voice the gratitude I felt in my heart. He had walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death and he taught me to fear no evil. He helped me to know that goodness and mercy would follow all of my days (ref. Psalm 23). I know that my mission will heal me. It is the last step I need to take to truly feel forgiven. The final push to the disciple that I want to be; I have sought every day for a long time to be the kind of disciple that could look at the face of the Master with pleasure, knowing that I had been faithful in all the things He had commanded me to do. I am not there yet. I know, with my Savior at my side, someday I will be; but not yet and for now I just have to walking.

There are moments that ignite a glimmer of hope that I am doing the right things and living the right way. One of those moments came when I was talking with a friend. We were talking about some of the hard things I had experienced and he asked “Haley, do you love our Savior.” Without even thinking the words kind of slipped out as tears filled my eyes “I love him so much.” Then he smiled, like he knew something I didn't and said  “Its little wonder you want to specialize in New Testament studies.” In that moment I felt validated. I felt like all the efforts, all my prayers and all the sleepless night I spent worrying about my progress and whether He was pleased with me felt like they were not for nothing.

I echo those words now. I love my Savior so much. He is the friend I've always looked for, the One that I can confide in. Who is always ready to listen He loves me so much that He cuts me down to help me grow and after I have spent a long night in the dark I know that it is only to turn me into a beautiful and magnificent butterfly. Lord you have my heart; I only pray that I can find yours. May God watch over you in your darkest hours and always, until you read again. 

And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. (Isaiah 58:11)